How is a Liberal not like a Conservative?

Easy.

We actually do back off and compromise, because we think someone else needs something.

So I’m officially going Conservative.  To quote most of the Conservatives I know:  “It is good as long as me and my family can live and make a living and be safe.”

So I’m going to start fighting the people who damage me, or won’t knuckle under to my needs.  If you cut down the trees so I can’t breathe or have clean water, I’ll fight you as the wasting disease you are.

If you keep having kids, overloading the planetary systems I and mine have to survive on, changing the tiny ecological niche in which humans can survive, throwing your filthy diapers into landfills as a cholera bomb because you’re too lazy to wash cloth diapers and put the results down the toilet where they belong — I’m going to view your spawn as a threat to my life, my loves, my family.  

If you so much as hurt my feelings because you can’t draw back and give me a place to breathe, and give up just a little of what you have, so I can have just the little bit I’ll ask for — not everything I need, but just a scrap — I’ll wait for the day your kids begin to rebel as teenagers.

They’ll come to me.  I’m a rebel.  I’ve always been a rebel.  YOU call me witch and loonie — just the sort of person children gravitate toward.  I wear black, and I have a nose-ring.  I’m the nut-job on the beach.  I refuse to knuckle under to the human systems that will destroy my life.  I’ve been around, and I know stuff you won’t even talk about.  Who do you think your kids will relate to?

I’ll tell your kids your religion is false mythology.  I’ll point out that catch-and-release is just tormenting animals for the fun of it.  I’ll tell them to stop using the term “gay” as an insult because it may hurt someone’s feelings.  If you ever lied to me or screwed with me, I can tell very funny versions of how mean you were.  We can have HUGE laughs on the beach, or on the bus.

Maybe you’d better keep your kids away from me.  I could, very possibly, turn them into generous, helpful, open-handed, religion-liberated liberals.  Do you want that?

Can you STOP that?

While we’re at it, I plan to do any of you with bad dogs a favor.  Since you can’t stop them from trailing me down the road snarling at my heels, or coming onto my property looking for things to kill, I’m going to help you out. 

Any dog that goes for me, on the street, or threatens my life or family is going to be trained to avoid me and mine.  When I get done with that dog, it will be so well-behaved around me I won’t even know it’s there.  That dog will take one look at a stranger or a cat or a smaller dog and run ki-yi-ing with its tail between its legs.   Yup, it’ll get dressaged for free —

— within an inch of its life.

Aw….. do I sound like a Conservative now?  I guess I’m a traitor to my own kind.

Just listen to the way Conservatives talk about “Mexicans” or “Foreigners” or “Terrorists” — and substitute your name.

Isn’t even-handedness FUN?

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